"You Need to Get Your Emotions Under Control"

Bonus points for anybody who can tell me what the title is from. (Yes, it is a quote.) I'll give you a hint: It was a short running TV show. Anybody? Well, I'll tell you. The show is called Hopkins. It's a real life show/documentary about the lives of doctors at John's Hopkins Hospital. If you are at all interested in medicine, I would seriously recommend it. I love it. This is a quote that one of the doctors said to his wife, when she called him at work, at night, upset because he hadn't been home in a while. It also happens to be the only quote that I can remember from the show. The only reason that I can remember it is because when he said it, I can remember thinking "What a dipshit. Who says that to their wife?" As it turns out, this quote was also the theme of the day.

I've spent a lot of time today trying to decide how much about today I should put into this blog. That's the problem with blogging. While it is a great way to let people know what you do with your time during the day, it is impossible to put everything in. And you shouldn't put everything in. At least in my blog, everything is always a little bit censored. I have to be careful to maintain a balance between sarcasm and happiness. It's a very very thin line.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I am happy to be in China. It's so familiar and so different at exactly the same time. (Try to wrap your head around that one if you can... I don't even know what I am trying to say, so good luck.) But even though I am happy to be here, I still want to be back in America. I'm torn. It's the travelers curse. And it is not an easy life style here. I am tired, and my head hurts from too much Chinese. But I am a masochist.

I tell you all of this to try to help you understand why sometimes I may seem down, and sometimes I seem up. It's because I feel both, all the time. I am not depressed, or unhappy to be here. But my feelings are more complicated than just happy or sad. I am not complaining, I am not whining. I am simply trying to express myself. And do it in such a way as to not make you think that I am a whiny cry baby. I mean, who doesn't want to give a good impression?

So, back to my day. I normally become more and more awake in the mornings as the week goes on, so at least today was better than yesterday. But only until about 10. Then things went downhill really fast. I got my homework back from yesterday. Let's just say that I didn't do as well as I normally do, and leave it at that. To put it mildly, I was upset. (I am a type A personality... it's in my nature.) And yet, I had to carry on, and sit through class like I really didn't just want to run to the bathroom and scream and cry. I sternly told myself "you need to get your emotions under control" and carried on. And I have to say, I did a pretty good job. I got through class, maybe with a couple more mistakes than normal, but I got through. And I sat through Chinese tables, no problem. I got time on my own for 30 minutes after lunch, and thought that I was in the clear. My bad.

After lunch, we have an hour of one on one with a teacher. The first thing my teacher asked me? "Take out your homework." At that point, it is safe to say that my emotions were no longer under control. It's a good thing that she brought tissues.

In my defense, I have been feeling frustrated for a couple of weeks now. Fourth year Chinese is about making the change from spoken, informal Chinese to written, formal Chinese. Doesn't sound difficult, you say? Think about when you were first starting to write a paper. Think about the sweat, blood and tears that it took to get to you finally start to learn how to write a formal paper, and not use informal words. Now think about doing that in another language. Yeah. I know. OUCH. I'm trying to learn formal Chinese, and learn more characters at the same time. So I am allowed to feel overwhelmed occasionally. Today, I just happened to have reached maximum capacity.

All I can say is, thank - insert something awesome here - for the gym. Seriously. It is quickly becoming my anchor. There is something so completely mind clearing about exercising to the point that your head is actually spinning. That's where I was today. I had to sit down to bring myself back to Earth. I had another session with Jack today. I think that he was in a bad mood, but at least I got to work out. I was still a little tired from the other day, so it was definitely not my best day in the gym ever. But it was infinitely better than not going at all. I am always exhausted to the bone afterwards, and happy as a pig in shit. Exercising washes away all your worries, and that is certainly how I felt when I left after an hour.

I spent the rest of the night studying. I know, how thrilling. But hey, someone has to do it! Not all of us are lucky enough to bum around all summer.... :) I went to the teachers office hours for help, and surprise surprise, it helped! This is going to become a nightly occurrence.

And that was my day. What an emotional roller-coaster, I know. And now, after finishing my cup of tea, I am getting ready to go to bed, happy and content with myself for the moment. I trust you not to think too badly of me after this story. Everybody has their down moments. Mine just happened to come along today. But, everything is a learning experience. Today was one of those. I am still happy to be in China, it is just not an easy road. But hey, you have to step out of your comfort zone to grow, right? Well, watch me grow by leaps and bounds.

And now, this girl needs her beauty sleep. Good night!

P.S. I am happy to report that I could actually wear my backpack today. My bruises don't hurt at all any more. They have actually faded to that disgusting yellowish brown healing color. I have never been so happy to have my back look so disgusting. :)